I love poetry. Visualization. Metaphor. The fact that a single image can encapsulate an entire understanding. So when some helpful imagery comes across my path I get excited to share it!
This one is from a man named Joe Switzer who is a part of a sort of emotional accountability online group book course that I am participating in. His analogy felt visceral and deeply true.
Imagine being stuck in big puddle of quicksand. Think back to movies you may have watched in the past. You are the character who unknowingly walks or is pushed into a large sinking earth area and as the earth starts to envelope your ankles the panic sets in. The natural reaction is to try to escape the sinking with more movement, but to your dismay the extra efforts only cause you to sink faster. The wisest thing to do in this moment would be to stop moving, calm down, and think. To look around you and figure out how to escape. However, more often than not the fear of sinking inspires even more thrashing and panic, which causes us to sink more and more.
This, as Joe related it, is like experiencing trauma. Something challenging or hurtful happens/ed to us (stepping into the quicksand) and how we react to it prompts calm resolution or prolonged suffering (faster sinking or being stuck for… ever, sometimes!). It is so common and natural to get stuck in your quicksand. To allow occurrences of the past to dictate the narrative of our life due to an inability to reconcile with the truth and move on. To live unconsciously, acting and reacting based on pattern rather than conscious present decision.
The problem with being stuck in your quicksand is that it will limit where you can go in life. It may limit the depth of relationship that you can create or the openness with which you meet the opportunities of life. It can cause immense regret, frustration, stagnation, sadness, depression, and anger.
It can hinder the sharing of our innate gifts with the world because we would rather numb, distract, and avoid ourselves. Because we never could forgive ourselves for how we treated so-and-so 15 years ago, and therefore now we subconsciously believe that we are mean, selfish, unworthy, undeserving, weak, terrible, etc. Or that we never could admit how hurtful it was to be broken up with, ghosted, abandoned, abused, taken advantage of, denied, repressed, pushed aside, made fun of, reprimanded, etc.
Many of us come to believe that everything is “fine”. That life IS suffering, as the buddhists say, and maybe it is just an uphill battle until the very end. That this deep sense of hopelessness and tension in the chest is normal and how it has to be. That we must settle, shut up, and just be grateful for what we do have. “Just focus on the positive” is something I have often been told.
I agree that it is helpful to acknowledge the positive so as not to completely drown in the negative, but ignoring our uncomfortable feelings and thoughts is like looking up at the beautiful red bird perched on a branch out of reach when we are neck deep in the quicksand and about to drown completely. There comes a time when you must be brutally honest with yourself, acknowledge the suffering, and do something about it.
To courageously look within and stop avoiding the pain. To reflect and figure out where the pain came from, sit with it tenderly, FEEL it, and then eventually decide that it is no longer going to rule your life.
And then to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. I have never seen a real pit of quicksand, but if there is any truth of the experience in the movies then the person requires external assistance to get out. They need someone to throw them a vine and help pull them to safety. The same is true for changing our maladaptive patterns. We need to ask for help— from a friend, from family, from therapists. We need something outside of ourselves to witness our suffering and show us that we are still worthy of love and that we are not innately bad, evil, pathetic, ugly, weak, unworthy, abandonable, etc.
I felt resistance toward this idea for the majority of my life. I used to feel proud of myself for believing that I could figure out everything on my own. That I did not depend on anyone for anything to be okay. But there was always this constant chasing. This need to be productive and do so much every day in order to feel good about myself. As if my worth as a living being was dependent on my ability to DO.
The only reason that I am able to continue to shift further and further away from this self-destructive and limiting belief has been due to the growing network of love that I have accepted (honestly at first I felt resistant) into my life. In the last year and a half I have felt wonderful, tremendous, and challenging change within myself as a result of the help given in a deepening and nurturing romantic relationship, supportive friendships with wise humans, an incredible emotional safety net in a group setting (I cannot speak highly enough of Katie Gray’s work in creating and facilitating the Empowered Heart Book Course), and the love from my family. I have been able to foster a stronger connection with myself— my needs, desires, goals, and sense of purpose— by honestly coming forth in my truth rather than hiding behind insecurity, fear of rejection, or fear of confrontation.
But I could not do it without help. I don’t think anyone can. We are interlinked with all living beings around us and, therefore, to believe that we can function well alone is delusional. We have been fed the lie that rugged individualism is what we should aspire for because the focus of tales of fame is the story of the individual and not the entire network of beings that had to exist in order for them to get there.
Long story short, the most fruitful endeavor that we can pursue is to understand our own individual quicksand. By doing so, with time, compassionate curiosity, and courage, we can help ourselves and invite others to help us escape our cold, complex, suffocating, deceptively comfortable (I don’t know about you, but I do love the sensation of being buried in the sand at the beach or having my feet in the mud. But as comfortable as it is to stay put, it is equally, if not more uncomfortable, to feel the numbness of wasting away) cages and step onto the path of following the beautiful red bird into the jungle of real living. Living in the present moment with an open heart, curious mind, and courageous soul— deciding who we want to be, what we want to do, and how we want to show up each day for the rest of our lives.
The more that we can step into our own truth, the more we invite others to do the same. In doing so we can co-create a wholly more conscious, loving, and caring world.
Passionate rant aside, I want to thank Joe Switzer for sharing this wonderful analogy and all of you for taking the time to read my shared thoughts. If you found this writing helpful or interesting, please share it as you see fit. Who knows, it may inspire a meaningful conversation or connection ;)— as our honest and pure intentioned words tend to…
Thank you Celeste for this beautiful share. I will read and reread.